By Nancy Mbaegbu
November really carry us for mind come, because the kind gist we don hear this month don tire person. And if you be Warri Original or dem don dash you slap for Enerhen junction before, you go understand wetin dem dey call tie-neck.
As Nigerians still dey recover from one wahala, another one land straight inside United Nigeria Airlines flight from Asaba to Lagos. And trust me, this one no be ordinary quarrel. Na VDM and Mr Jollof, two Warri boys wey decide to host Royal Rumble inside United Nigeria Airlines aircraft. Even oxygen shock.
As passengers queue dey enter Flight UN0523 from Asaba to Lagos, na so VDM spot Jollof. You know that look person dey give another person wey him spirit no like? Na that look ignite the whole saga. Before we fit count one to three, everywhere don change. VDM begin talk, Jollof begin respond, tension begin rise like Ijebu garri inside hot water.
Remember say this their beef no start today. Na since VDM drag Mr Jollof marriage matter for public and the wife sue am, their wahala don get roots pass African iroko. But on Monday, the roots grow branches.
VDM claim say Jollof dey run mouth anyhow. Jollof claim say na VDM find trouble. Next thing, gbas, gbos, punches, hands and blows begin fly like say dem dey rehearse celestial dance steps. Dem even apply tie-neck to win the fight.
Witnesses talk say, Jollof comot lion spirit, VDM return fire, and at one point person even claim say biting enter the matter. Another person say chest grab join.
Airline crew members rush come like referee wey no sign up for this kan wahala. Na so dem separate the two like troubled cousins. Passengers wey just wan reach Lagos quietly begin call God in four languages.
United Nigeria Airlines no even waste time, dem release statement sharp sharp straight from headquarters. Dem talk say the incident happen during boarding, crew members intervene sharply, and both troublemakers were deboarded before flight take off.
United talk say dem hand them over to airport security because the airline get zero tolerance for anybody wey wan turn their plane to village square.
Meanwhile Mr Jollof, wey be SSA to Delta State governor on new media, rush online to give him own version. Him talk say na VDM provoke am, say VDM rush him first, and the biting story no follow.
He also talk say VDM dey always find clout like person wey lose torchlight for night. VDM supporters reply am with receipts and emojis. Nigeria online space catch fire, people start to dey pick side like election ballot.
Aviation authorities sef no even smile. NCAA condemn the behavior, call am unacceptable, unlawful, and warn say anybody wey try turn cabin to fight arena go chop heavy sanctions.
Some reports talk say both of them fit face serious punishment and possible ban from flights. The kind embarrassment wey follow this matter fit make person lock door and rethink him life choices.
VDM finally yarn him own side, saying this whole airport gbas-gbos no start today at all. Him say na Mr Jollof first talk online say if him see VDM, him go slap am, and on top that one, Jollof even previously insult him mama.
According to VDM, na Jollof still throw the first punch before him retaliate, even though him admit say the matter no suppose reach that level. He apologized, called himself irresponsible for how the matter take escalate. But he still maintain say the whole drama na small tension wey suddenly grow muscle and turn public wrestling match.
Meanwhile online, Nigerians just dey shake head. Some dey shout say “finally VDM don talk, truth don surface,” while others dey drag both of them like generator rope, asking how two grown men fit carry unfinished online beef enter aircraft.
Comment section turn courtroom, people dey judge, appeal, and sentence at the same time. Even memes begin fly: Warri people claim say na normal greeting, Lagos people say na premium disgrace, and Abuja people just dey laugh dey watch.
But as this gist sweet reach, one thing we dey sure of be say this quarrel no near finish. With legal wahala, online dragging, and yesterday’s airport saga, the VDM- Jollof saga just open new chapter wey go still give us content for days.
Enugu’s family drama gone wild
Sometimes e be like this country dey run on premium shock absorber because every new day dey serve gist wey fit raise blood pressure and still make you laugh small out of disbelief.
This week gist drag us go Enugu state and the matter loud pass generator wey dey drag light with a whole street. Sit down well, hold your phone, because this story get weight and wicked seasoning.
Everything burst one Saturday evening when alarm blow say one papa, Mr. Ozioma Okonkwo, don commit unforgivable act against him two small daughters.
Before you fit ask “who talk am?”, police don land, ministry don activate emergency mode, and papa don turn overnight criminal.
Children enter safe house, mother dey cry like person wey lose house rent money, government dey issue statement with full chest, everybody dey run helter-skelter like last-minute shoppers.
But na here the gist begin dey smell pepper. As detectives press play on their investigation, truth begin shift shoulder like dancers for street carnival.
Dates wey madam give, na the same period she carry all the children waka go Imo State by herself. So police come dey question her: “Madam, na ghost commit the offence or na calendar dey lie?” Police begin scrutinize everything like person wey suspect say dem dey give an fake cash.
Next thing, their 7-year-old son, small boy wey still dey dey drag shoelace like life assignment begin talk the real truth when detectives question am gently.
The boy no even sabi lie well; him just open mouth like pure honesty dey rush tori. He explained say their mama don gather all of them for room and teach them exactly wetin to say once police show face.
According to the boy, she tell them say: “If anybody ask una anything, just point at your papa and cry. Say him do bad thing. No explain too much. Just follow what I teach una.”
Detectives even see video evidence wey show madam arranging them like she dey direct stage performance
Police just watch the video finish and look her like, “aunty, which level be this one again?”
As truth begin leak like polythene bag with hot akara, madam suddenly realise the stage don shift. She rush go station say she wan withdraw complaint like say this na friendly misunderstanding between neighbours.
Police tell her straight; “Sister, this matter don pass your control. You go face your punishment.” Just like that, na she dem carry go court for defamation and false information. Story continue next hearing.
The Commissioner come out with him serious voice talk say anybody wey carry lie come police go chop full consequences. Him praise detectives like secondary school prefects wey intercept contraband successfully.
Trust Nigerians to drop their comments. One talk say : “If person wan lie, at least make e get sense. How you go accuse man when you dey Imo that same period? Abeg!” Another one add: “Some people no fear God. Coaching children to destroy their papa? Na real heart wey strong pass devil own”
My loves, this gist na reminder say sometimes na the person crying the loudest dey hold the remote of confusion. This one na family drama wey no even need soundtrack cos e loud on its own.
Attack that broke peace in Kebbi, Niger
My people, this month no dey drop gist again, e dey pour am. Another heart-breaking report land from Kebbi, and e hit everybody like cold shower for harmattan.
Around 4am, when sleep still sweet like warm akara, bandits waka enter Government Girls Secondary School Maga, Kebbi state. No warning, no human sympathy. Dem just burst in with guns, scatter everywhere, and the whole community wake up inside pure fear. Girls wey just wey dey prepare to write exam suddenly turn target.
Vice Principal, Mr. Hassan Makuku, show courage wey even action stars no fit borrow. Reports talk say the VP try block the attackers from carrying the girls, but the attackers no gree. Na there they shoot am. His sacrifice pain the whole community into silence.
By the time the shouting calm small, 25 schoolgirls don vanish into the night, leaving parents weak, confused, and begging heaven for mercy. No resistance, no warning, just pure chaos, panic,sorrow and confusion
Police later talk say their tactical units clash with the bandits, but those ones don already climb fence like trained athletes. As the gunshots fly, another staff member even collect injury.
Before anybody fit drag shoe, the bandits don vanish enter bush with the girls. Now military, vigilante and police don scatter ground dey comb forest like people wey misplace big money.
Just as we still dey pray for the release of the Maga girls, bandits on Thursday strike for St Mary’s private Catholic School for Niger State, pack children like sardines and take off.
And dem carry out the crime like wetin dem ready for book. Na almost the same time wey dem strike for Maga dem take enter the Catholic school. No fear. No resistance. Easy escape.
As Nigeria matter be, reactions just begin fly up and down. Atiku Abubakar came out to condemn the attack, say this one don show insecurity don turn daily menu for Nigeria. Some people for Kano sef dey pack load like say rent expire overnight.
But as the talk finish, a U.S. lawmaker Riley Moore add him own, call the place wey the abduction happen a Christian enclave. Immediately, Bashir Ahmad reply am sharp-sharp, correct am say the victims and the community na Muslims. Before you know am, online people don start another debate like say dem dey share free WiFi of confusion.
Meanwhile activist Sowore vex enter the matter too, drag the IGP for not saying a single word. You know Nigerians, once silence too long, suspicion go start to dance azonto. And truly, the country dey look like place wey everybody dey fear to talk except the bandits wey no dey ever keep quiet.
But the part wey scatter everybody emotion na when the wife of the slain vice principal, Amina, narrate wetin happen. She say they thought the noise be cows, only for door to burst open with armed men in army camouflage. The bandits enter her house and threaten her husband.
Her husband, Hassan, beg make dem allow am pray before anything, dem agree and still shoot am afterward. She talk say she refuse follow them when dem try carry her, and they warned her children make dem lie down. As she finally try escape, she see say the whole area was surrounded. Her voice alone fit break stone.
Now government dey assure parents say dem dey do everything to bring the girls back. But Nigerians dey look government with side eye because this kind promise don plenty.
Still, everybody dey pray make the girls return whole and safe. People for Maga dey mourn, dey fear, dey pray. The whole country dey watch like person wey dey hold breath.
This gist get sadness, fear, and frustration, but e still reflect wetin Nigerians don dey endure for too long. Because this kain matter don pass joke, e don reach the place wey everybody just dey hold chest, dey ask, “Which one remain wey we never see?” and “how many more times must we tell this kan story?”
Vatican shocked as holy man catches romantic spirit
My gistlovers, this one pass normal church gist oo. Forget those small small scandals wey dey end with we are investigating, because this matter don drag cassock and emotion enter same group chat.
A whole Catholic Bishop, Ciro Quispe López, 51 years old, don finally drop resignation letter after Vatican investigators uncover say the man no just dey preach love, him dey practice am with alarming consistency.
Dem talk say Bishop López get at least 17 women on his heavenly contact list. Yes, seventeen. And before you shout “Father Lord!” make I add say the lineup include one nun and one lawyer. E be like the man dey balance his spiritual life and legal representation at the same time.
But problem burst when jealousy begin play tambourine inside the love circle. The nun wey been dey share holy affection with the bishop vex say the lawyer dey collect extra attention, so she leak evidence like person wey miss mass offering.
As if that one no dey enough, Bishop himself finish work when him mistakenly send romantic photos and videos meant for his babes go give his cleaning lady. My dear, that woman see things wey no be broom business. She scream “Jesus is Lord”, carry the evidence go straight to church authorities. From there, Vatican start to investigate like FBI on holy assignment.
As investigation dey go on, dem find voice notes, pictures, and enough romantic receipts wey fit start their own parish newsletter. And still, Bishop López no gree oo. Him say na “dark hands” dey behind the matter. But abeg, which kind dark hands reach seventeen women? Even Solomon for heaven go whisper, “My son, you try.”
As if emotional wahala no do, Vatican say dem dey also check whether church money enter the ministry of love. Because how seventeen relationships go run without offering disappearing somewhere. Anyway, the man don finally resign, and the case don scatter internet like communion gone rogue.
As usual, social media parishioners open group chat; some say maybe it’s time church rethink celibacy, others say make we just pray for everybody involved because temptation na full-time job.
But I just wan ask; 17 women? Father López, na bishop you be or certified heart distributor in clerical disguise? Because this man no just preach about love, he demonstrated it in abundance.
